There are those who make claims of having the perfect childhood and there are the oppositional views from those who have sworn to never raise their children how they were raised. Know matter how convincing to a degree parents are, that original home environment always detours in the same direction of guiding and disciplining children. Many words can come out of a parents mouth so venomously without hesitation, parents never give a second thought of how it may affect the child. From generation to generation, no matter where in society a parent stands, the realism can hit hard that bullying is a by product unconsciously inflicted and created by parents. The defensive mechanism kicks in when ever a parent is unhappy by a response and forever pulled into a control battle with a child. Thoughts of bullying my own child had never crossed my mind until my own child yelled back at me and told me "to stop being a bully to him." The astronomical self help books on Parenting align the shelf's, some read, some started, some collecting dust. Not a person in this world likes to be told how to parent their child but if a society wants to change the tactics on bullying, parents need to take a look in the mirror. In a few words it is best said, by David Clarke, Ph.D., in his book Parenting isn't for Super Heroes, "Your child is very careful not to voice an opinion in your presence, unless it is your opinion." and "When you open your mouth to speak, you child should listen and agree without question."(2003, p. 41), pointing out to Parents a continual pattern of what is thought as letting a child know who is in charge. Guilty as charged, guided by my own thoughts of how I should raise my children, I at times am a bully.
These opinions and thoughts are not intended to attack anyone personally, they are only my perceptions of where bullying begins.
I totally agree with your point of view, but I doubt many parents will see themselves as a bully. Unfortunately, even though most no longer are physically abusive as many were when I was growing up in the 50's and 60's, they are definitely teaching the art of bullying by example. I think that when we know better, we do better - hopefully some will do better after reading this blog.
ReplyDeleteInteresting topic. I can certainly identify with this as I was bullied in school and from time to time at home by my alcoholic father. I do not think many people realize how profound an effect bullying can have on a person. I myself have just begun therapy for unresolved issues I only now realize I have stemming in part by bullying. Other people have had it much worse than me, but it is baggage I should not have to deal with. When a person is bullied they feel humiliated and shamed and shame is a stumbling block to being an emotionally healthy adult.
ReplyDeleteThanks, I'm a parent and that sure did hit home. Hurt people,hurt other people and it does start in the home.
ReplyDeleteI wish you the best of luck Noel, I can relate. Even though my mother was not an alcoholic, her parents both were, thus creating a very controlling and verbally abusive human being. Growing up my siblings and I heard phrases " I will knock your teeth down your throat" and "if I get a hold of you I will bounce you from one end of this house to the other", needless to say we lived in fear of ever being the imperfect child. Seeking therapy myself because of low self esteem and my inability to handle making choices, I have learned why my mother behaves the way she does and that she will never realize what she has done through her childrens eyes. Discussions about out childhood, sadly, she has convinced herself that she wasn't that bad, but I know she won't live forever and all I can do is be thankful that it has made me who I am today. This has greatly influenced my siblings and I to be different with our children and to change the generational influences that have been passed on as bullying parenting skills.
ReplyDeleteFay Bay Bay,
ReplyDeleteWe learn with maturity and wisdom, everyday of our lives. Again no book on this earth will prepare us for parenting, most, of what we have acquired is how we were raised. I often catch myself when I am irratated with my children, I don't use stupid, idiot, or any degrading name towards my children. Between them, well that is still a work in progress. When they tell me that they "hate me", it hurts but I throw the ball back in their court and ask them, Do I ever say that to you? I acknowledge I know that they are mad and tell them no matter what, I love them and I always will. Parents will always be the ones to make the changes and help our children treat others the way they want to be treated.
I thought I had already posted on this...but here it goes again =)
ReplyDeleteI agree with your points 100%. I think sometimes, especially if you're raised this way, you tend to try fear instead of compassion or understanding. Sometimes its tough to take a second (or a breath) and really take a look at the situation. Sometimes as parents its difficult to be the adult.
Hopefully the words in your blog will reach more parents who have done this, will do this, or are currently. I hope that it will make them choose their words more carefully. I also believe it is very important to teach our children how to treat others with compassion and also with dignity.
Great topic!
~Angie Bowers
You did post Angie, it was on the discussion board, but I enjoy reading all responses. You hit it right on the nose when you noted many of us tend to try to use fear. Although I am not as verbally abusive to my children like my mother was, it is fear that is used alot. Putting the fear of grounding or the losing of materialistic items it goes on and on. I completely can relate many times of not taking time to take a breath, like when my son decided to draw me pictures with a rock down both sides of my car. But being I was in shock at this unexplainable act, I simple took his hand and walked him to his room where he stayed for the night. I like your last statement because being a parent not only how we verbally talk with them, but treating our own children with compassion and dignity will make them better people as well
ReplyDeleteWow what a topic I have tried hard to do a better job than my parents when my kids were younger I remember sounding like my mother and tried to change my ways. As I have gotten older it has gotten better. My son has been a victim of bullying so I am a bit sensative to it. I tell my kids to treat everyone nice and try to not take what they say personally. But I know that is hard to do. Sometimes I think the people that bully do it to make themselves feel in control.
ReplyDeleteKim
I understand you argument. However, coming into the parenting game in the middle I don't see how things can be changed for the better. I have 3 step-children who all respond to this type of parenting. Trying any other form of parenting is wasting your breath really. I've tried. They still get it from their mother and father so how do you really go about affecting change if others aren't willing to follow suit?
ReplyDeleteAnd I know that this argument has been used since the beginning of time, but my parents used this technique on me and I think I ended up so much better than I would have had they used a different technique. I really think it depends on the child and the child's life experiences that determines how they react to different forms of parenting.